The Young Witch Confronts Some Trauma

TW: Trauma, Mental Illness, Possibly upsetting content

Raise your hand if you massive trauma from a toxic workplace environment because you took over two positions after two people who were higher up than you quit because of the toxic work environment and you had to rebuild that staff, but you were 19 and no one was really helping and you had to learn how to do your job essentially on your own and when you thought you might have someone to take over part of that, they didn't, so you had to completely take over that again and then you were still having trouble trying to build up staff because no one was helping you at all, so it was you, and two other people trying to keep a place a float with no help or effort from other places, and you have depression and anxiety that is only getting worse, and then the governor cuts funding for everything in higher ed, so now everyone is out for blood except you who just wants to not really exist, and this continues until your second semester of senior year, except then you find out the whole time you just been trying to keep a workplace a float while trying to create a good product, they've been saying terrible things about you behind your back and calling you a bitch. But at least you have a staff that you now have to train because your graduating at the end of the year and you're the only one who really knows what goes into things. And because of that you run away from your desired field of choice for a year because you are so burnt out only to have to deal with more workplace trauma and then a pandemic hits, and you finally go, yep time to get back in the field and now you make jokes to cope that include, "So anything to discuss? This? That? Ariel, we hate you and want you fired?" only to find out that normal people don't make those jokes and it causes your boss and one your volunteers to become concerned? Not to mention you are overly concerned with everything you do at work being absolutely perfect that first time you do it because if it isn't, you're proving to people you're not qualified or that you can't actually do everything you say you can?

Just me? Cool. Great.

Just reading through what I wrote caused to me to relive a whole world of pain and hurt I though I had left behind, but obviously I didn't.

That's the thing about a trauma though. It comes up when you least expect it. and that's rough. It's rough to think about and this week it's been coming up for me a lot.

As you can guess, I was hosting a meeting for my AV job with some volunteers and made that joke. Our new interim pastor was sitting in as well and she and one of my more regular volunteers made it a point to make sure I knew that they wanted me and that I was actually doing an amazing job.

I kind of laughed it off as a joke, only mentioning my mental illnesses second hand, but it got me thinking about why I make those jokes in the first place.

Even this morning! I finally got to produce and booth the 4:30 time slot for my job this morning by myself! I was so excited but I also felt that pit in my stomach that likes to make the bad feelings come up. The need for everything to be perfect, the need to prove myself, the need for something I can't even really explain, when I haven't done this by myself in nearly two years since I left Truman.

That trauma will always be there, reminding me of the panic attacks I dealt with everyday, how I came home crying after every live show because it was my fault if a single thing went wrong, how I lived in fear of hearing the critique that would prove all my worst fears right that I was a failure, even when the critique was something small.

I got more than my fair share of critique today though, all things I understood and wrote down right afterwards because I need those notes for tomorrow. Luckily none of the fear of failure came with it as I was told that I did pretty okay for it being my first time around. I did okay in the booth. No comments on how I stacked the show. They all reassured me that I was on the right track.

And that helps. I really only ever got that from a couple people at my old workplace (and they were advisors).

Trauma is something that we all eventually have to face and sort of talk out. It's important to talk out and get it out there. That makes what your saying feel more real and tangible and let's you actually confront things. The best way in my opinion is a therapist. That being said, I'm broke, my insurance doesn't cover therapy, so sorry internet, your stuck hearing my problems on here. You can also talk to a friend or someone you feel safe with, but remember they have boundaries too and might not always be able to help you.

It's also important to mention at this point that there is no trauma that is more or less important to deal with than another. That, my friends, is what we call bullshit. I've had people do that to me. We're not friends anymore. I have them block on multiple platforms. And you should probably block those kinds of people too.

So my dears, I believe it's time to confront our traumas, be it COVID, workplace, relationships, small minor inconveniences, all of the above, or whatever your dealing with. Always make sure to take care of yourself, whatever the case maybe.