The Young Witch Gets Under Pressure

Was this gif completely and utterly necessary? Yes, yes it was. Because I am, yet again, decidedly trying to put too much pressure on myself and push things before they're ready.

As I'm sure you all have noticed, I went off the line. Again. After saying I'm back...again...Yeah. Upkeep on the blog front is not always my focus. Especially when I have a lot of my plate, like I did back in April after my last blog post.

The basics: My anxiety and depression had started to take over my life.

The not so basics: I was trying to up keep two jobs in two different states. At one, I was still trying to get the hang of everything and learning. I was beating myself up because of simple mistakes, feeling I wasn't learning or getting the hang of things quick enough. At the second, I was running myself ragged trying to please everyone under the sun, training people well enough that I wouldn't have to worry too much about my eventual departure, and feeling like a failure whenever, I made little mistakes, or things didn't get done fast enough.

My sleep schedule was none existent because of meetings when I was needed to rest that I felt I had to attend or else (not because anyone would punish me, but because my brain). Eating times and sizes varied, which is always a first sign for that my illnesses are coming into play. Dishes and laundry were avoided until it could be no longer. I was so exhausted I would forget to take my meds. I didn't have time to read books, sew, bake, cook or any of the stupid other little things that gave me enjoyment. It was work, sleep, then travel.

And all I kept doing was pressuring myself to do better, do more and do it quickly.

And that was my life up until the middle of April when I had a panic attack driving home from St. Louis in my car talking to my former boss, who got pretty concerned for me after that.

Something had to give, and in this case it ended up being my blog, while I tried to focus on me.

Buddy is firm believer in sleep

First, I had to focus on sleep. I had to make sure I actually got the full 8 hours required for an adult of my age, because yes, you do need that much. And with that, I actually had to switch around my sleep schedule. I once tried falling asleep in the morning so by 6, I was fully rested. Now, bed time is 2 p.m. on the dot (Unless I'm traveling, it's the weekend, or it's Friday dinner at Grandma's). I feel more energized after and it feels at least semi-normal to what I'm used to.

Second eating. Eating is a huge sign of mental health for me. In college, especially during my bad episodes, I would forget or just wouldn't eat. I'd have one meal a day and call it good. It would even effect my thought processes about my weight, because I would think maybe this could help me lose it. That's not healthy thinking. That's extremely unhealthy thinking. You should not have this thinking. If you have this thinking, therapy. Therapy for the next hundred million years, until you no longer have this thinking.

Eat your food, dammit

Don't worry, my counselor in college frequently reminded me I should be eating 3 meals a day, but was very happy when I made sure I had at least two. Now that I live on my own, can't afford therapy and don't make meals for my family, I have to purposely set aside time to make and eat my food. So I make sure I always have something. I always try to have some sort of baked good for breakfast, make a basic lunch, and try to have frozen dinner in my fridge available for if I need a change in pace from what I cooked at the beginning of the week. And honestly, it's helped a lot and makes sure that I get at least a few vegetables in my diet.

Eating is important and an important part of your physical and mental health, so it's something you need to look after and take care of (my issues with eating, diet culture, and weight could take up a whole blog, so we're going to leave it at that).

When will my owner return from the store?

After that, it was essentially basic housekeeping. Making sure I made time to do my laundry. Not letting the dishes pile up too much. Making sure the cat escape the house to enact his plan of global domination...oh, also Buddy's officially joined my small household. He's very pleased to have the run of the place.

But it's getting these little things done and finished that led to my sort pressure build-up today. For the first time in a long time, I officially completed my laundry in less than two days. Sheets, blankets, towels, shirts, skirts, pants, shorts, undergarments - all nice clean and done. Dishes were in the washer. I had cleaned the kitchen counters. I even cleaned and reorganized my bathroom sink!

And I felt I should be doing more. I cleaned the space, but should I try and start implementing other parts of my old routine? Shouldn't I start washing my face and doing the cleansing rituals again? Should I put my make up on like I did everyday before the pandemic hit? What about my jewelry? Shouldn't I start wearing my rings, my earrings, my different pendants?

Once I got my make-up on, because I did finally settle on washing my face and doing my make-up, I was already 10 minutes behind what had become my normal schedule. I got to work and started going about my routine, getting shows ready, having some cookies, and doing everything else, but then I got in my head again on how to do this what to get right, check this, and when that happens, I get focused and can sometimes miss things.

And I made a couple mistakes. Nothing too big, small little things that can happen to anyone. One of the issues was beyond my control. But I got focused, under pressure and in my head.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. I always have. I've always felt mass amounts of pressure no matter what I do. It's part of my anxiety. But the important things is to recognize it. When you begin to recognize it, you begin to grow and let go. It becomes easier to breathe to move on and fix those mistakes in the futures.

Sometimes, you will still get in your head though. Things like that happen. But what's important is keep moving and keep pushing forward. No matter what.

And when you're ready, come back to the blog you accidentally abandoned again. Because it missed you. Or you missed it...Who knows? I'm really just talking out to the Void....